RiEnDk

Rambling

2009-08-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

I want a coin operated boy.
I love Amanda Palmer.
What happened to the Dresden Dolls?
This blog was for transliness, but that died considering nothing has been happening on that front. At all.
I've been writing.
Sleeping.
Dreaming.
Sleeping.
Eating.
Sleeping.
Stalking AFI via internet.
Sleeping.
Did I mention I've been sleeping?
I'm doing a lot of that.
I'm trying to be more transopen.
Anything dealing with being "trans" will have the word next to it.
Transsport.
Like so.
Or transdance.
Yes.
I'm random at the moment.
I need sleep.
It's bloody hot in here.
Bloody.
Hot.
In.
Here.
It was 103 degrees F here the other day.
New Jersey shouldn't be that hot.
I'm not sure the purpose of this blog.
At all.
Really.
It's turning out to be anything I'm thinking at the moment.
I don't like youtube.
Or myspace 2.0
I think everyone should kill Tom The Myspace man for fucking it up.
Honestly.
Braces free!
I'm slowly becoming vegan.
Nova died.
I swear.
She isn't answering me.
At all.
It's annoying.
I want to talk to Kar-lee.
I want to hang out with Chelsea.
I want to hand out with Vlady.
I need to read a shit load of books.
I need to do a shit load of homework.
It's summer, I know.
-_-
Damn AP classes and their mounds of homework before school starts.
Aussie and NZ came and went quickly.
I need my hair cut and dyed red.
Red tips, that is.
Will that happen?
Probably not.
I've successfully wasted a shit load of time.
I hate twitter yet I use it.
Okay.
I'm sweating.
Sweating is one of the grossest bodily functions.
Ever.
I'm stopping this blog.
Now.

K|

Der Aussicht von Rande der die Feuer ist schön.

2009-05-11T14:16:00.000-07:00

A silent song they could not hear had played
For them as they danced to the cries of death.
And who would have thought that the sun had died
In the wake of the day? Fire caressed
Every soul beyond the forest. Ash
Fell from the Heavens onto the couple
Who laughed, and played, and danced and sang in harsh
Heat. She dragged him down when she fell, and what
Could they have seen? The sky had opened black
For only them to see, and angels burned,
Their wings becoming cinders. To attack
A fallen angel is to sin. He turned
His back on lovers who would not tire,
So He took their wings within His fire.

April Twenty-first

2009-04-21T19:18:00.001-07:00

Fact: I do not like the colour red.
Fact: I hate pens because I tend to make a lot of mistakes.
So why name it RiEnDk? Simple: It was dark at night when I was writing and this was the only utensil I could find at the moment. Karma? No, I am Karma. I’m the Karma Police. I have my glasses in a Guess case, and it’s not mine. I hate Guess, but the other case broke. It was cheap. Obviously this one isn’t. I’ve been getting called Captain Obvious too much for my tastes, but the reason i state it is due to the fact there isn’t anything else to say. I always end up stuck with it. I should just change my name to Captain Obvious _______. Hah! I’d be COW. That’s great. I hate when people say, “is because,” or, “are because.” To me it doesn’t sound pretty at all. Then I overuse other phrases until that is forced upon me. Have you ever had a dog that licked your foot?
How about through a sock? Doesn’t feel pleasant, does it?
I stared off into space at a girl’s grey sweatshirt and thought the flowers on it were eyes. I woke up from this when something whispered, “Doctor,” in my ear. I don’t understand irrational fears. Okay, okay, being afraid of the silence & dark seem irrational, but I have my reasons.
Excuses, excuses.
Shut up. And clowns and dolls, my fears do not come without reason. But what about the people scared of heights, birds, spiders, rats, etc? I don’t understand the fear without reason. Where’s the reason behind a fear of bugs? They’re easy to kill with your hands, so why be afraid?
I’m afraid of bees because I was stung by 5 as a small child.
I’m afraid of the dark & silence because I see people and they talk to me.
I’m afraid of clowns because one pet me.

I’m afraid of dolls because one pushed a lamp onto my head.
When I imagine things, it’s in cartoon. I want to skydive & look like a fried egg on the ground. On the bus, the girl next to me made the whole heated bus smell like the boy’s bathroom. Why do people walk so slowly? It’s not that I have anywhere to go, really, I just can’t stand the slow people. Or clay pots. Spray tans & tanning beds in the dead of winter do not look “good” or “hot.” They look unnatural. Tanning isn’t good for you, either. What’s the point of wasting money on that crap? YOU. DO NOT. LOOK. GOOD. It makes me want to line them up and shoot them like glass bottles.
Gym seemed interesting. I forgot my pants. I walked out in skin tight, pinstriped jeans & RD didn’t notice. People ran today and G. Willikers was almost too girly to run. Star turned to me and glared. I meant it, no offence. Then the Turtle ran, and Turtle ran like this for serious. Cancer as a child, arthritis or something. Apparently Pantera had a dream about looking for a house and Gandalf or w/e from LOTR (which I hate) told him that the only way to get a house is to find a midget w/ no arms. I said that I should just chop my arms off and tell him he could get his house now.
I have a plan to kill the ignorant people. I haven’t gotten too far, but it seems like a good idea. First, you shoot the people. Then, burn them and render the fat. Use the fat to make soap. (consult Fight Club for the how to) Give the soap to third world countries. Start using dead bodies for energy. I think I care more about everything else rather than people or my country. Then again, I think everyone’s screwed/
I don’t think there’s a point to life. If we’re just some planet created randomly, and spontaneous gasses formed molecules and started life (pardon my horrid bio skills & memory), there isn’t a point. People still search for it & mask the truth with religion. I hate organized religion, but I honor you if you believe. I can’t, myself. I’m fickle, as it were.
A parallelogram has two children with another parallelogram.
A rectangle and rhombus are the kids, who have kids.
Their child is a square.

I’m imagining Pink Ladies in their 80’s having tea when hamsters w/ machine guns and grenades come in and start killing them. They’re screaming. Then rabid monkeys fly in and rip their heads off. This is in the middle of the jungle. Then the kids from Golding’s Lord of the Flies come in, chasing a boar, and eat the carnage. The hamsters prevail, build a rocket and colonize the moon. The cows come with weapons and it’s universal space warfare. Humans were killed by Mexican penguins.
I’m close to stabbing the girls behind me. They won’t SHUT UP! I want to stab their throats with a needle, inject gasoline & light them up.
Apparently PM was looking at my chest, says Crinky. I felt like slapping PM, but I decided not to. No need to cause a fuss. I also felt like beating PM over the head w/ a baseball bat, but there aren’t any in the room. I would have to had use a chair. Oh well. PM just reminded me of a mechanical monkey. It was odd. I almost want to rip of Las Vegas’s fingers, all seven of them. Vegas’ll be among the first ignoramuses to be shot, burned & rendered into fat for the third world countries. Maybe I’ll give Vegas to lesbians. That would be funny. I just watched the clock turn into a stick figure with a top hat & cane. it stabbed PM in the eye. I laughed.

I want to do a Can-Can or Russian thing.
I walked into my bots’ closet the other day looking for the ¡Venganza! vest, and I was looking in the boxes on the top when I stopped. I found a clear dildo. Apparently, it was water based. I left the closet shortly afterwards. I told G. Willikers this & Gangsta (G.) had a plan. G. said to make a note on it saying, “This is for you, Tom. From: Luverboi xoxo <3” and place it on the toilet in the men’s bathroom in the mall. G. also said to clean the finger prints off in the toilet. We’d use the soap from the dispensers. Rinse cycle would be flushing. Dry cycle would be the hand-dryers. Washing would make a WOSHA WOSHA sound. Somehow an old lady & man will be in there. The lady will insist it’s someone falling in. The man will insist it’s a dildo. A third person will insist it’s both & a couple having sex. Or an old man will ask if everything is okay. G. or I will insist it is. Wosha wosha. He will be freaked after 5 minutes, get a mall cop, & he will say, “Come out, dildo in hand. Only dildo’s make that noise!”
Jewboy showed Penguin their underwear. Sexual harassment anyone?
The boy in the wheelchair just wheeled along…
Everything was spoken in French. I hardly know French, but the class was speaking it for a few seconds. They hardly know French, too.
We have to write a story if we’re in the Deep South during the Great Depression. I hate historical fiction. I really do. I’m going to get horrible people in my group. 2 is not a pretty #. Yep. I was stuck with halfway brain-dead, pot smoking fools. Once again.
I’m going to get a failing grade because no one in this group cares. A C+ is amazing to them. It’s punishment to me. Two worlds collide in class and I can’t understand them. Stupidity is accepted and smarts thrown away. Lovely world. Lovely.
I’m trembling again. I just yelled at an ignorant kid & fought with a friend about gay rights. I’m so annoyed at people. I want to walk out. But I won’t. I’m pretending. An actor in a never ending film. I want the film to end or the other parts canceled. Crinky is very two-faced. I will talk about that later…maybe.

I still love Pablo. Almost a year, and I still do. It was an imprint on my mind, like a brand.

People are people                             You and I should get along
                             So why should it be
                                                                                                  So awfully?

April Twentieth

2009-04-20T19:09:00.001-07:00

I have decided that I’m going to start a little thing called Red Ink, but it will be spelt RiEnDk to avoid confusion with other things. This is going to be me throughout the day writing down whatever pops into my head. It will all be in red ink. Submission one.

It’s 2AM. I Just watched Boys Don’t Cry & it started a train of thought that can’t be stopped. I cried for my situation for the first time in months. When was the last time I saw Psychobabble? I can’t even remember any more. I just stopped trying to. My bots ignore the facts & it drives me insane. I keep telling myself that it will all be okay in time, but I keep feeling like it will never happen. I keep these things to myself. I haven’t spoken to Star in a while. For some reason I still see myself as the self conscious follower I know I am. I don’t want to be, but I can’t be anything more with this name, life, body. I want to be stronger, but I can’t. And they all take it as a joke. I could be serious with them, but they will still be the teenagers I wish they weren’t. I wish I could be this bad ass kid and stick up for myself, but the truth is I will never be. I wasn’t given the change to be anything but this. HIM is mad lucky. I also think my bots could listen to me for once instead and swallow their pride for once & not cover up their feelings & do what I know is best for me. They say they’re trying, but I can’t believe it. It’s all phony. Lies, lies, lies, blah, blah, blah. Before I took out this notebook, I was thinking of selling my books, start saving money. I wanted to climb out the window and leave. Reality caught up with me, obviously. I want my binder. I think my bots sabotaged the package. I’ll get my 55$ back & leave. I’ll steal it back if I don’t get that thing. It’s been months. I haven’t said anything to them because I’m afraid to. I don’t want to start anything. I don’t need that. I don’t want that. The other night, in YN, I was reading and bot1 turned to me and asked if I still wanted to be a boy. Not wanting to start something because it was late for bot1, I dismissed the question. Our fighting will never subside. I feel bad for my mex & bot2 for there is nothing they can do to stop it. Funny. The T would confuse mex. Mex still thinks being gay is bad, what would mex think of me? It’s why I want to leave & never look back. This “family” is falling apart. It’s not as bad as some, but I’ve said before: a man cannot know another man’s suffering without suffering what he felt. Try as we might, we can only guess within a shadow. I want to go to Under as Kyan. I want to go as a he & I want to go with ZJ because I couldn’t do it alone. I’m so weak. I blame my bot2 for the situation I’m in with bot2. If bot2 could shut up for ten minutes and keep things to them self. Sometimes bot2 makes me ill. Physically. I’m supposed to be asleep. I was supposed to make a shirt for DoS but I don’t really care any more. (this is where pictures come in to aid you)
I keep staring at the ceiling
And I clockwatch the hours fall.
Ideas of a home & home lost
A latter falling through a window.

I say, “Are you feelin’ me?”

The stars pass by the street.
Nothing is all I own.
Night air breathes for me.
Streetlamps become the stars

I say, “Are you feelin’ me?”

Passing fantasies drive by bullet.
Smokes and bottles lace the cars.
I wonder if my life is starting.
Clock work I leave the city.

I say, “Are you feelin’ me?”

Running from those demons, eh?
Your mother never told you, yeah?
Demons are as real as day.
Spit to the right & come with him.

I SAY, “ARE YOU FEELIN’ ME?”
visual aid

Why is writing in red pen so wrong? I never understood that. If I try, maybe I can sleep for three hours.

I’m more deranged then I lead on.
Dekay’s the only one who knows.
You think I’m telling you?
Chyeah, right.

He’d love to, oh well, mind your head.

Sometimes I forget that I’m alive. Other times I question reality. I think that nothing is real. I almost thought that everything was my creation and everything is in my head. I forget reality. Right now, nothing is real. Maybe my hand is a bird and it’s all chicken skratch. It takes a person walking by for me to realize things are real.
I’m sorry. I’m bad at describing this.                      My hand is a bird.
Go on. You’re going well.                                     My pen is the beak.
That’s all I had to say. Sorry.                                Everything is chickin sktrach.
Oh. It’s okay.                                         CHIKIN SKRACH
It’s your job to say that.

Heroes.
SUVS. LIARS.
CIA.
DEMOCRACY.
LIARS.

Beware the jubjub bird with eyes aflame.
THE JABERWOCK.
and with its head he went galumping back.
JABERWOCKY.
^depressing Dr. Seuss

Days of our lives. 1,75$

Snarky is a word, jingle.

DRIVING.
BUYING.
LIARS.

Lucas is _________________
Moor. moot. moo. cow. Lana. Nebraska. Hicks.
sleep. tired. rest. stop. cars. red. cops. democracy. liars. movies. zeus. greek. odysseus. greek. egypt. pharaoh. yu-gi-oh. STOP
I’m scared of the dark & silence so I play music to ignore it. I want to fill these pages with nothings.

Carry me to sleep.
visual aid

(school)

It goes in one ear & right out the other. They say the devil is my pal. I remember TTT told me to stare at a white board in my head. I think TTT said to gradually fill the room, or I’m mixing memories again. Apparently staring at it in my head will help me sleep or meditate or something. Mrs. Face would look pretty, but it’s Mrs. Face’s face. It’s wither the face of the body. The tube of red ink looks like a vile of blood…not red enough, though. Like a dying person. Anemic. The can feel the ball when I draw on myself. Do you know the enemy? Know your enemy. The trees are supposed to have white flowers, but they’re sea-foam green against the grey sky. Its almost as if they’re glowing in the dark. Celebrate good times, come on! Village People, Ellen, lesbian, Shane. The dog eats the chicken in the morning. When girls are… it reminds me of picking a nose or treasure hunting. Maybe if someone could crawl though it would be a magic land with forests, pixies, sunshine & girliness. Like the Fitzwilliam on the Big Gay Sketch Show who wants to go to Vaginaland. In gym class I wanted to roll around and spin on my head. I decided not to and look sane. Mr. PM’s head looks like a purple smurf. Mr. PM the hickey. I feel like being obnoxious, but I don’t feel like pissing people out. Hm… It’s all in my head (no really it is). Nasal is a nose singing corn like…badly. It drives me insane. Not swearing is harder than it appears. It’s an addiction of the voice. I felt like tromping around the class as if I were upon a horse, Sleepy Hollow style (go to 1:01). I think that speakers said, “Willy Wang.” I laughed. I want to take my shirt off. It’s too hot in here for me. Why aren’t girls allowed their shirts off like men? It’s the same thing inflated. I had the urge to dance like I had spasms, The short guy, ‘roid droid, my theory is right before he hit puberty, the shoved ‘rouds up his ass. I should photocopy my ass and the willy. If there was a way to take drugs without any risks for anything, be it health, mentality, gateways, addictions, anything, I would do it to know the effects. Sometimes I have conversations in my head of the future. If I said this, they would reply exactly that way. If that happened, would I be God? And when i have the convos. I always mention it’s in my head, and sometimes it’s hard to believe myself. If I repeat myself, don’t mind it. According to Star, I have the memory of a goldfish. So, sorry in advance.
That’s okay. I don’t judge.
I say that, too. But it’s a lie. We’re all hypocrites. It’s part of the human condition. We say we don’t sin & we want to be closer to God, but we go against ourselves. Liars are nothing more than hypocrites, it’s just different words. I think I just reminded myself of the psycho in Se7en. I could start my own religion where you can worship whatever. It won’t be organized. There won’t be books. There will only be a few rules:
1.Love & be loved by all.
2. Bring peace with you.
3. Do not force your religion onto others.
4. Have tolerance for others.
5. Abide by local laws.
6. Do not kill for any reason.
7. Understand with open arms.
Utopia?
Live. In. Head. I forgot reality again. I’m still not back. I just decoded my thoughts. I had written and I figured it out. Soon. People need to stop calling me Vicki. Now more than ever they are and I have no idea why. But they won’t take my feelings into consideration because their own. Swallow it! SWALLOW IT! I was trembling this morning. I’m a tremblin’ again. My security was breeched because I left this open. Of course I leave it open for someone to read, but it’s violated. My life is an open book now, open with blood for all to see. I knew it would happen. But the line read…The line. I didn’t really think anyone would read it. I honestly didn’t. It’s different when I share it on purpose, but…it’s stealing. Mrs. Sloopy stole my mind, a part of it. Will Mrs. Sloopy understand? I feel naked again. What makes something right or wrong? Polite or impolite? It all seems so trivial to me. The bus smells like a glue bottle. My pants look like a retro video game. I’m going to make a code for people. I don’t need people figuring me out. I like to remember things from the day and make things more fun with conversation. I don’t like going to far for fear of freighting people away. The irony: I feel awkward after I’m accepted.

I will                             A need to see
       Swallow your fear
                                       All the bite marks impress a need to be here.

DoS

2009-04-17T12:45:00.001-07:00

I would be participating, but I’m not in school. I’m on spring break. It was conveniently placed on DoS. Of course it was.

On Monday, I plan on wearing a shirt I’m making with this design. It may or may not be more complicated, but the message is still the same.

Stand up for those who stood down.

My meaning for this: Standing up the way the ones who stood around and watched these things happen didn’t. Making a difference where they severely lacked.

On Monday, I will also be silent and stand the length of the day. I may or may not be alone in this. Toni, now Nova, she says she can’t possibly be quiet. I’m shocked. It annoys me. We also plan on starting that GSA right after we get back, obviously the day after DoS. I haven’t updated for I’ve had nothing to say.

I believe my binder was taken and disposed of. Sabotage from the parents. I want to go back to therapy to talk about my plans.

I want to cd during a trip I’m going on.
I want to start cding in school next year.
I want to talk to my therapist about this.
I haven’t had the guts to talk to my parents because it hasn’t been the right time.
I need that time to come soon.

K|

Therapy is a bitch NO MORE!

2009-01-18T20:16:00.001-08:00

Well, Toni went and she’s have a splendid time. Of course, SHE’S getting better help than I because I “don’t know who I am yet.” *rolls eyes* Of course, I wasn’t told this, but still! I’m just not open with people because I still have this odd fear of getting jumped. O.o

But anyway! I went and I told her what I thought of her little “"male female spectrum” thing, and we put an emotion to an object, instead of the other way around. She got confused, it was funny. But it went a lot better this past time because I amazed her with my memory skills (which I have none of), but I thought that was pretty funny. I find a lot of things funny. But we talked about Sleepy Hallow, Egypt, windmills, trees, drums, music, photography, distractions, and after a whole bunch of stuff, tranny stuff! WOOH! lol. That’s where my uncanny ability to have my youngest memory at 5 or something and it being tranny related. O.o It’s true, though. So, now I get to have a war with my parents about how I need T because my mother and father are so anti hormones it’s annoying. Father being a doctor, I get that, but hopefully I can wheedle my way into getting them by the end of these appointments. :) And she also likes the fact I decided not to be stupid and get T off the street and talked to her instead. I was like, “Well, no shit. I’m not an idiot.”

Anyway, I know what I’m bringing for next week. Yes, I have what I want to bring planned.

See, I used to keep a journal of my daily shit and emotions called Davey. My middle name will be David. Hence the RxD (Rian David). I’m not sure why I chose Davey, and I always felt like it was talking back to me and was this very guyish type speak. Like, it made me sound like a priss. And eventually, if you were to read through it, my language would get more like his. And I remember being frustrated I couldn’t draw him. I like to draw little cartoony people. And it was driving me up the wall because I couldn’t give him a face because he felt close and real. (I sound like a crazy) And one day, I figured out why. Davey and I are one. He is me. I was like WHOA! So, I found out my inner self was slowly wheedling its way out. I’m glad it did. :)

ANYWAY, inside this journal (which I now hold no emotional attachment to due to the fact I figured it out) I drew these two pictures and I’m bringing them to therapy because they’re very…interesting.

And you, you very lucky reader, get to see them: (due to the fact every single page I wrote on has been torn and burned, these are the shitty ass photos I have. You can’t read the writing, and I don’t remember the words.)
Fun, right?

That’s all I have for now.

RxD

Winter Wonderland

2009-01-15T17:41:00.001-08:00

DUDE! It SNOWED! IT FINALLY SNOWED HERE!

Today went great. Like, it was amazing. For the first time in maybe a year I was truly happy. Let’s see, today was just very relaxing because usually I’m freaking about something, but not today. I didn’t freak at all. I had my Mini Mosses and that was all I needed. XD No, I’m not religious, but it was funny anyway. And I just went from class to class without a second glance or care in the world.

Now I know why people like happiness so much. And then the snow came down and it sealed the deal with a 90 minute delay tomorrow. It was just a beautiful and happy day. I enjoyed it.

I know things are going to get dark again, but I needed to savour it. Like chocolate.

And for some reason, it gave me an idea.

Before us the road of Fate
Draws to a never ending close.
And we walk the darkened path
With our heads bowed in silence.

Wind howls with the anguish
Of a thousand broken homes.
We look to each other with fear
And pray that we would never join them.

The longest night approaches
With lingering sadness and despair.
We plummet through the void in space
And hope we land back on our feet.

Soon we’re back on our path
As rain beats down above.
We try to shelter ourselves
But this is to no avail.

Beyond our line of vision
Shadows fade into the light.
We’re presented with a choice,
A fork in the long and narrow road.

We walk towards the sunlight
While the moon rises behind us.
As we follow the path we realize,
That we had reached a grove.

As we rest our weary minds,
The snow falls from Heaven.
We sigh as our breath freezes,
And we can finally rest.

That wasn’t really meant to sound great, but I felt the need.

RxD

Therapy is a bitch 2!

2009-01-12T15:06:00.001-08:00

Yes, there’s a two!

Woohoo!

not.

Anyway, I finally went to see this other one, and she asked me annoying questions:
”Who are you?”, “What is sex?” and “What is male and female?”
And then she drew something like this: and asked me to place where I was. Well, actually, the male and female were reversed. And since my whole view of what is male and female is completely skewed, it got me aggravated, but I went along with it anyway.
My reason for aggravation?

Donnie Darko.
No, I’m serious.
Donnie Darko. As in, the movie. Silly, right?

Well, I was thinking about the point in the movie where the class is asked to put a line on the feeling spectrum of Love and Fear to match the card they got. I sort of felt like this when she asked me to place me. And she asked to give some stereotypical traits to male and female. Which seemed damn near impossible. What does this have to do with Donnie, you ask?
WELL…

I believe male and female cannot be lumped together in such a spectrum because stereotypes show very little thought. The way Donnie felt emotions couldn’t be. They lump everything together, right or wrong. True or false. And I have a problem with this. Male and female are sexes, not genders. And my SEX is not my GENDER. Sex is your organs and what not, gender is what you feel you are. Traits are pointless because not all guys like football and not all girls like makeup. Not all guys are assholes and not all girls are whores. See where I’m going? Not all guys have short hair and not all girls long. And this is my problem. And she wants to help me figure out me in this way. It’s like, “Okay, describe yourself with objects, colours, actions and stereotypes.”
”I am the colour blue. I like this. I do this.” Likes, dislikes and things you do ARE NOT YOU. We are all of the emotions that make up ourselves. Our personality, I guess. And due to the fact not all men like this and not all men like that and not all women like this and that, it seems pointless to even try this exercise because male and female gender-wise is a feeling, an emotion and not words. Unless you’ve come up with words for this, I stand corrected. So, therefore, for me to do this was extremely pointless, yet necessary to “find out who I am.” I believe this to be absurd. I know who I am, and do not need help figuring out what I already know. I’ve denied, yes, but now I am aware. And being aware of ones emotions is something not many people can do. Being aware consciously of who exactly you are, is tough. And with all of the emotions involved, I have come to the complete and total conclusion that I am male gender-wise. Sex-wise, not a chance. But due to the fact I see gender as an emotion and not a scientific fact, nor a bunch of objects and actions on a line, I can’t do that. You may have different views, that’s fine. But, I felt I needed to rant a little bit on the fact that I think gender is not sex.

THAT is why I cannot answer male and female because she meant gender. If she meant sex, I could say, “Yeah. Male is a being that has a male reproductive organ and females are the ones with female reproductive organs who usually give birth. Unless you’re a seahorse or another animal that does that.”

But, since it was gender, I found it troubling and difficult.

Now for what the dictionary says:

Websters: sex - 1: either of the two major forms of individuals that occur in many species and that are distinguished respectively as female or male especially on the basis of their reproductive organs and structures2: the sum of the structural, functional, and behavioral characteristics of organisms that are involved in reproduction marked by the union of gametes and that distinguish males and females
gender - the behavioral, cultural, or psychological traits typically associated with one sex.

Onto the next:

Dictionary: sex -

1.
either the male or female division of a species, esp. as differentiated with reference to the reproductive functions.

2.
the sum of the structural and functional differences by which the male and female are distinguished, or the phenomena or behavior dependent on these differences.

gender -

The condition of being female or male; sex.
Females or males considered as a group: expressions used by one gender.

Sexual identity, especially in relation to society or culture.

The condition of being female or male; sex.
Females or males considered as a group: expressions used by one gender.

And the last:

Urban-dictionary (okay, I know this one is bit unorthodox, but can you blame me?):
sex (took a while to find…-_-) -

1. Females or Males considered as a group, known as gender.
gender - your mode of self-reflection or ID dealing with how you see yourself (or don't see yourself) in terms of your sex.

there are two sexes, but countless genders.

2. A societal construct that is, in actuality, about as useless and restrictive as race.

There may be unfathomable, uncrossable chasm that exist between certain types of people, but gender should not be considered one of them.

3. How one defines themselves with clothes, pronouns, how they carry themselves, etc (i.e. male, female, androgynous, etc). Different from sex- ex: a person may be born female (sex) but identify as male (gender), though for many, sex and gender are synonymous.

"I prefer female pronouns such as 'she' and 'her', because female is my gender." Or "My gender is androgynous, though my sex is male."

Here and mine, here are others. You may not agree with any. You may agree with all. What’re your thoughts?

These were mine.

RxD

Therapy is a bitch

2009-01-07T15:22:00.001-08:00

Well, after narrowing down 50 different therapists…I found NONE.

NONE!!!

I mean, wtf?! I do have an appointment with someone, but no insurance. Woohoo. NOT

God, I hate insurance policies sometimes.

grr.

RxD

New post!

2008-12-01T18:18:00.001-08:00

And here we go!

Video Blog!

2008-11-11T14:58:00.001-08:00

So, yeah. The title says it all. I now am going to do a video blog as long as things are interesting. I only have one intro. vid because I like intros. Hehehe.

Yours Truly,

RxD

TransAction!

2008-11-04T14:18:00.001-08:00

I copied this from http://www.dayofsilence.org/tdr/. Hehe.

But my best friend Tori sent it to me in an email and I am SOO grateful!

Transgender Day of Remembrance and TransAction!

GLSEN stands in solidarity with the 10th annual Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) (www.rememberingourdead.org) and encourages students to commemorate transgender people who have lost their lives due to anti-transgender hatred or prejudice. The official TDOR is November 20 and students are encouraged to do any of the following or more:

Candlelight vigils / marches

Visual representation of the number of deaths with:

Cardboard tomb stones of remembered people

Paper cutouts of remembered people

Body outline chalkings of remembered people

Art / photography displays

TransAction! - Friday, February 27, 2009

GLSEN is proud to be sponsoring a new national day of action: TransAction! This is a day for education and celebration of transgender and gender non-conforming people and experiences. A day to begin having dialogues about gender and to advocate for inclusive schools for all regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.

TransAction! encourages students to organize a workshop, panel discussion, or similar forum about gender, gender identity gender roles, and the broader transgender umbrella.

Check back for our list of trans warriors to celebrate, a list of key terms and links to other organizations doing amazing work for the rights of transgender and gender non-conforming people.

You are encouraged to incorporate one or more of the following aspects in your action:

Educate:

Reach out to organizations/community leaders who can help you organize a forum or a workshop.

Facilitate a workshop on gender identity and the transgender experience.

Get familiar with key terms about gender.

Create Awareness:

In addition to highlighting various aspects of gender and transgender experiences make sure that you celebrate the contributions transgender people have made in social justice movements.

Yours Truly,

Ryan David

GSA is for ME too

2008-11-03T15:44:00.001-08:00

So, today Toni and I had decided to tell one of our favourite teachers. And due to the fact she could be on the internet, I'm not saying her name. :)

Anyway, it was a difficult process of deciding the freaking day! I mean, I'm hate talking to "adults" because most adults are teenagers who look older. Which is ironic because I did like ALL the fucking talking. I love how I just used freaking in an attempt to avoid cursing. Oh well. hehehe.

So, I went up to her second period (when I have her) and I asked to stay after school, but she couldn't, sadly, so we decided to make it during the lunch period we have. So, first Toni and I thought that she wasn't there because he class had people in it, and now I'm like DUH she shares it. *face palm*

So, we couldn't figure out where to go, but we went in the middle of a hallway by a window to a courtyard. And, it took a while and a lot of laughing. Hah, our teacher was like, "Do you mind if I eat this? It might take a while." So, first we told her our orientation issues. She wasn't fazed, but we were like, "Oh no, there's more. The orientation is like BLAH" so, this is where Toni sat on the ledge and my amazingness came in handy.

I didn't say anything direct, but always kept her wondering, then I said what we (note: Only I said anything. - _ -) So, we eventually got into this long and drawn out 45 minute conversation. With a few interruptions, one from my friend's sister. And one from this kid running in short shorts....*mentally scarred*. Anyway, it was a good day.

BECAUSE

The period after that Toni had that teacher (which is funny because she got there before the teacher, when the teacher left first....) But, Toni and I stay after for shit and out school is evil and doesn't want a freshman GSA and shit, BUT! my teacher pulled Toni aside and said that she was going to make a GSA with her on Mondays with only our group of friends! So, the planning is on! Any suggestions??

C&S

Weed...hahaha

2008-10-17T12:35:00.001-07:00

So, my favourite band posted a blog called "We Love Weed" about going to Weed, California, so I'm still laughing.
Anyway, nothing is really going on now...at all.
But I still plan on talking to Chris, the other trans in my school that's f2m.
Don't know when that's all going to happen.
Uhm...no one else has been told I don't think. But...WAIT! I told my friend Jimmy. He told me it's going to cost a lot of money. I was like -_- no shit. hehe
And advertising me is nice. :)
Ads are fun. Except on TV. Don't get me started.
Oh, the point of this one was to say that blogs aren't going to be as daily, or weekly...or monthly as I thought because heh...nothing interesting is going on.
Oh, for Halloween I'm cding. wooh! haha.
I just need a black button down shirt...should take me a week or so to find..I hope...or I'm screwed or dying a shirt. lol
Oh, and I have more name ideas for my onsey. It's not that I don't like Ryan, I just like other names as well.
I like Vicktor or Viktor and Darius.
Hm....Darius: maintain well; posses good.
Ryan: little king.
BOW TO ME!
XD
Yours Truly,
Ryan David

http://transsexuhelp.webs.com/ourstories.htm?blogentryid=4116027

Transsexual Transylvania

2008-10-17T12:34:00.001-07:00

(from Sept. 20)

If anyone has seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show, you get the title.
I just watched it. :)
Anyway, last night was my first cd experience! AND IT WAS AMAZING!
I did it at the mall. It was hilarious! So, in school my friend's said they were going to the mall and I was like, "I SHOULD GO AND CD!" So, I did. I asked a bunch of people for boxers at lunch. That was funny. Anyway, I got to the mall and hunted for my friends who ended up being in Hot Topic. Surprise surprise. And when my gay friend Vlady got their, we waited for Toni and then we went on a hunt for a bathroom. We stood in the hallway for it for a few seconds. I was like, "Which one do we go in?" Then Vlady grabbed my wrist and was like, "Come on!" And he pulled me into the big stall in the men's room. So, I did my thing, but stopped and jumped on the tiolette so no one could see my feet and Vlady was like, "OH SHIT" because some old man and his son came in and Toni just stood there like, "Woooow." And we were laughing the entire time. Then the man FINALLY left and I could resume. Then someone else came in and we did the same thing. The third time it was a party of our friends...then Toni. I could have sworn it was someone.. Then I was finished and we walked around...I started having problems and we had to go back to a bathroom to fix them. THEN I was good to go. We walked around and hid from...everyone I knew at school so they wouldn't find out. Then there's this kid KC. I love the kid..but he has a HUGE mouth. So Vlady, Toni and I hid out in KB Toys when KC was outside the store until he left. It was pretty funny. Then I had problems...again. So, we went back to the bathroom to fix that and safety pinned me up. While we were in there, though, this black guy came in and stood at the urinal for...30 seconds...not doing anything. Vlady and I were like...WTF?! GO! And 30 seconds later...he peed. We were like, "Why? Why the hell would you stand there and stare at the wall?" Anyway, I think I passed pretty well because Vlady and I pretended to be a gay couple and we got glares from the homophobes. :) Then, when it was Toni, Vlady and I just walking some HUGE black dude..I mean.. 6 foot something walked by he went, "Hey little man!" to me. I was amazed. And people kept complimenting my aviators...weird. Yeah. So, it was great. Then I had to rush into the bathroom to change back in under ten minutes when my mom came. It was funny because they were closing the huge gates to the Macy's and Vlady and I were sprinting so we wouldn't get locked in. XD
But that's it for my update.
GO WATCH THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW IF YOU NEVER HAVE.
Tchao!
C&S

http://transsexuhelp.webs.com/ourstories.htm?blogentryid=3997221

THERE'S MORE

2008-10-17T12:31:00.001-07:00

(from Sept. 18)

So, yesterday I told my friend Lauren that I am trans.
Her face went from a "TELL MEE" to a "really?" it was really funny because we were in church. Church depresses me. Idk why, it just does. Like...sitting there with all these people who believe in something that I will never believe in and who are correct. It's depressing...then there's my friends....and they make the world more interesting. Haha.
Anyway, when I told her, she told me that there's another f2m in our school. I think he's a senrior? Or was it junior? I don't remember. I need to ask her so I can contact him. I'm exstatic and have soo many questions! Also, my friend Tessah told me that there's a f2m somewhere in this town for Toni to talk to, it's just she hasn't seen her in a while, so... might be hard to locate..
But, that's it for now..
C&S

http://transsexuhelp.webs.com/ourstories.htm?blogentryid=3988233

The Entry Whose Name Can't Be Determined

2008-10-17T12:30:00.001-07:00

(from Sept 17)
Hiya!!! This is (formerly) Eve. Ryan's and my friend decided that I'm not an 'Eve'. My legal name is Anthony, so now I'm Antoinette. I have no choice in the matter. Haha. So anyone trying to contact me, I'm to lazy to change my crap. Just call me Toni now. Haha.
Sorry i haven't gotten around to blogging much, I'm loaded down with a lot of homework. A LOT. But I'll definitely blog on the weekends and whenever I can. So... What's new? I can't think. my brain's kinda fried... Well, Ryan already mentioned, we told two more of our friends... um, i learned a new... skill... Here's the link to the instructions I used for "tucking": http://wiki.susans.org/index.php/Tucking_and_taping
If you're m2f, you should know what tucking is, and if you don't, check it out. If you're not m2f, you needn't know the process unless you're perverted. In other words, Ryan's gonna be having a rollicking good time. That's about it for now...
http://transsexuhelp.webs.com/ourstories.htm?blogentryid=3984154

Annoying People

2008-10-17T12:28:00.001-07:00

(from Sept. 16)
Okay, so I found this last night and it pissed me off to NO end:
"Well... my mom and i were driving to Wal-Mart, and we saw 2 emo guys walking along the side of the road. I waved to them and they waved back. Then my mom said "You know, it seems to me that emo is just another term for transsexual. Because the emo boys look like girls, so obviously they're trying to be transsexual." It's useless for me to argue with "the mother of all mothers", so please GD, can you give me some suggestions of what I should tell "the mother"?"
I was like WHAT?! Are you kidding me?! Everyone's soooo ignorant it makes me want to set off a nuclear war head on the earth! Ever see The Core? If you have, I want to take bombs like the ones they used in the earth and use them ON the earth and kill the idiots!
I swear!
it's sooo annoying!
And this kid was pissing me and Eve off today, so we yelled at him. I swear. I'm going to end up with some major detent. if this keeps up.
Anyways, I g2g now. Ihav French hw to do and a gf to see.
:)
C&S
(ps. eve = toni)

http://transsexuhelp.webs.com/ourstories.htm?blogentryid=3979527

To Prove A Point

2008-10-17T12:24:00.001-07:00

(from Sept. 15)

No, I'm not going to ask for homework help...such as what some people think. *glares in the direction of Eve*
So, yeah. If you read Eve's blog..that sums it up.
Also, Eve was the first person I told. And so far, no back fires.
Starting this site seemed so....Idk...it felt good, I guess.
And not like that. Pervert. Jeebus..
Anyway, I do not practice a 'normal' religion, so I don't think God will help me find my way. Religious fucks can suck my non-existent cock.
Anyway, I'm going to post some update blogs on life in general.
So, the tally of people that I personally know that know is up to....huit, I think? (That's eight in French) I haven't told my parents and I have no idea how I'm going to do that. That's also part of the support system I want to work out first.
Today, I told two people. They both didn't know what transsexuality was, so I had to clue them in with Eve. But so far...I feel amazing to be out. This blog is going to end up being some weird confessional...I swear.
Well, since I do, in fact, have homework, I'm going to leave you all.
Ciao.
C&S

http://transsexuhelp.webs.com/ourstories.htm?blogentryid=3976257

-_-...No Comment

2008-10-17T12:19:00.001-07:00

(from Sept. 14)
Wow. Simply wow. We ALL needed to know that Ryan. Haha.
I'm Eve. Ryan SSSOOOO stole my thunder, but oh well. I like doing different things, from karate to guitar to pissing my teachers off to no ends. On January 4th, 2007, I came out to my mom. She didn't take it well- at all-, so I just took back my claims and she was so desperate she believed my lame excuses. She accepted me, but it almost broke her psychologically. Anyway, the stress was too much. I denied and hated myself for what I did to my mother and literally went crazy. I imagined myself up an alter-ego, which took a year-and-a-half to break. Ryry and I met a long time ago. But we never knew the other was trans. But one day, I asked him "Can I trust you with a secret?" and told him. Sure enough, he admitted to me HIS transsexuality as well. In any case, we're planning on coming out (for me the second time, obviously) on the same day for mutual support. Since we obviously live in the same area, we're hoping to go through the process together, even as far as having the same therapist.
That's about all I have to say for now, I guess. I'm not sure how often I'll add blogs. It could be awhile before my next one, depending on hen Ryan and I come out. Either way, welcome to Transsexuhelp!!!!! If you're lonely or hurt or worried, feel free to use the contact information page to contat Ryan or myself. He isn'tas femininely entertaining, comforting, or... Anything, really. Haha. But he's still good to tal to and has helped me on countless occasions, and vice versa.
^Toni

http://transsexuhelp.webs.com/ourstories.htm?blogentryid=3972705

Not A Virgin

2008-10-17T12:13:00.001-07:00

(from Sept. 14)

I JUST TOOK THE FIRST BLOG VIRGINITY OF THIS WEBSITE.
You will soon get to know that I'm a pervert. :)
Hallo, und I am Ryan David. I am a f2m transsexual and I started this website with my friend Eve who is also a transsexual, but is m2f. Go figure. We both happen to be in the same school. Fate? Who knows. I don't.
Here's some bits about me: I'm a pervert. Wait...already stated. I'm a f2m...already stated. I'm obsessed with AFI, The Cliks, Blaqk Audio, The Cruxshadows, My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte and Panic! At The Disco. I like to write a lot. I like photography, journalism and cex...jk, but I do like therapy as well. Ihav many different websites that I'm on. Those are on the link sections to the site. Ihav recently found out who I am because of the fact me 'rents tried to keep my inosense. Bah! That didn't work. At. All. So, yeah. I'm being lazy right now and I sort of have to get off the computer...damn father, but yeah. This is the first and sooo not the last blog entry. I'll update...just about daily. :)
C&S

http://transsexuhelp.webs.com/ourstories.htm?blogentryid=3972633

Transsexuhelp

2008-09-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

Haha..Forgot to post this.
*blush* <--LIES
Anyway, the site is up. It has been, I just forgot I actually posted something on it here.
Woops.
It's www.transsexuhelp.webs.com
and the ning sucks so..just don't go on it. ahaha.
Ning + me = failure.
But please SUBSCRIBE to it!
And it's an active site meaning me and Toni..need to change that Eve business..blog on it.
So, check it out if you haven't...which I'm sure you haven't because this is the first post.
And the reason I started it with Toni is the fact that Toni came up with it and I'm the tech geek? Sort of? And we wanted a site where it had an active blog and active info and had info on both sides of the tracks.
So, check it and tell people!
Publicity is good!
lol

C&S

Tropical Storm Hanna

2008-09-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

Who's getting hit by it?
Come one, let me know.
We can suffer together.
NOT.
I love the rain, so this will be fun.
Already, the power went out once.
And dude, it was raining for like..five minutes. For serious. And the power just..DIED on me.
I was like dude, wtf?
Yeah, but anyway.
Let me know if you go through with it and if there's a funny story resulting from a power outage.
I hope I get another one.
I mean...I feel primitive in a modern home with technology around me, but no ability to use it. Well, of course cell phones.
But hey, what ever.
And y'know how they say use torches and not candles because it could be 'a fire hazzard'? That's not fair. I looove using candles! So, fuck them, I'm using the candles when the power goes out. Just me, the rain, the darkness and FIRE. Lovely, eh?
That's what I thought.
Oh, and school. Sweet Jeebus, I've been getting lost.
Every.
Day.
If I know how to get to a class one day...I forget the next.
Oh, and today I forgot how to get to French and my name. Yeah, I was that tired. ugh. Not fun.
I'm hoping to actually sleep tonight so I'm not like...dead for the weekend. I like that term, dead for the weekend.
Mine!
All mine!
I call it!
Well, that's about it...
Ciao

C&S

Novocaine and forks

2008-08-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

So, I had two small...small cavities and I just got them filled.
I planned on not using novocaine because the last filling I got I didn't use it and I didn't feel anything.
BUT NOOOOOO
Today there was a different dentist there and she decided that it would be in my best interest to use novocaine.
-_-
So, as I was driving home I decided I should slam my face into a wall.
I did that several times and didn't feel it...but I got a headache.
Then I saw a knife and I wondered if...
ahhaha But I didn't do that.
So, I was sitting in the kitchen and wondered if I would feel a fork. So, I started stabbing my face with it. It tingled.
Then I stabbed the inside and it was weird because I couldn't feel the stabbing, but I could feel my skin being stretched. O.o
So, now Ihav to sit here with a half numb face.
Yeah, HALF.
Because the other side got novocaine because I had a cavity on that side, but the novocaine apparently didn't work on that side.
So...yeah. I feel weird.

C&S

Twilight

2008-08-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm finally getting this out there.
I absolutely hate that book.
And here's the reason: It's being over done. It's everywhere and it's driving my up the wall! Not literally because 1) I don't have a car and 2) cars can't defy gravity, although Chitty Chitty Bang Bang can.
But honestly, it's getting seriously annoying. Everyone is like OMG OMG TWILIGHT! <3
It's making me want to take my belts and just strangle myself!
Honestly.
It's nauseating.
And the fact they made it a film is just sickening.
And yes, I have, in fact, read the book.
I read it back in 06, a few months after it came out and a season before everyone loved it. It's sort of annoying because people criticized me for reading a "teen gushy vampire" book. And it's also annoying when those same people have read the "teen gushy vampire" book, and now are gushing all over it's shiny cover! Like, honestly.
Get a new lover.
Edward Cullen isn't real.
He is not and will never be real.
He is fiction.
Love a human, for Havok's sake!
And what is soo attractive about him? (the actor) I don't find him attractive at all. Didn't the book make him amazing? Damn Hollywood.
And what's so great about the book? I'll admit, what's-her-face is a great writer, but seriously, the "my boyfriend is a vampire" story is way old. She just made it longer and fancier. Also, I thought the first book was way better than the others.
The second book made me want to spoon out my eyes. And then stab myself with the spoon. In the throat. All she did was be an over emotional whiner. "Oh noes! My vampire boyfriend has left me! What ever shall I do?"
SICKENING
MIND KILLING
SHIT
Anyway, I did think it was well written, but there was nothing to it but the rantings of a lovesick teen. So, this is no lie, a few pages after half way through the book (yes, I know where half way is for any book I read), I said, "Why am I reading this shit?" and I chucked it at my wall. I was dying as I read it. I thought the entire time, "Stop reading this. Stop. Just, put it down. Throw it. Do it. You know you want to. This is shit. Throw the thing! No, I have to get through this. I have to. Fuck it. I'm throwing it."
So please, don't rave about a book.
It's a book.
Okay, it's a film soon with people. But these are people acting out book characters, therefore, their personalities are full out fiction.
So, please, get over this hype.

Insomniac's Journal (Part 2)

2008-08-11T01:32:00.000-07:00

This line, right here, it's 2:11 AM...I think.
My computer clock lies to me a bunch. Like...I thought it was Sunday on Friday because it fucked the dates. I was sooo lost.
Like, you have no idea.
DUUUDEE. I need to use the pee station.
Haha.
Bamboozle Inside Joke.
BIJ.
PB&J.
Penis brain and jizz!
Whoa. ADD there.
So, yeah. Must pee. But I don't wanna get in trouble for being up late.
I know. I know.
"Stop being such a pussy and go take a leak man!"
SCREW YOU.
So, yesterday was quite..egh. Boring.
I read Betrayed. I finished it, actually. Now, I am once again, hooked.
Dude, I friggen cried while reading it. The girl in the book dies, and she's the one that reminds me a hella lot of my friend Tori and I was like NOOOO. I imagined it as if I was the girl and the dead friend was Tori. It was really depressing.
But, yeah. I did that all day. I swear. Then I went on the computer.
The day before was more interesting. I know it was, but I really don't recall wtf I did. WAIT.
I remember now.
I hung out with Caitlin after I woke up. Which was, as usual, really late in the day. ahahha.
WTF? My computer stops spall checking up at my NOOOO comment. Which ticks me off. Now Ihav to write this whole thing on Blogger. Ugh.
Hahaha. All of you Blogger people are like, "So?"
Anyways, where was I?
No idea.
So, I was with Caitlin, right? Yeah.
Okay. So, I got there in time for dinner. We went to an Italian joint in Cape May called Stumpo's. I think that's how it's spelt?
It's pretty good, although don't ask me cause all I can get there is pizza and past without meat sauce or anything. They do have seafood pasta, if you're into that kinda stuff.
Good place. But, as we were sitting there, I was informed by my gf that my x DJ had won AFI tickets. Now, here's my first thought: WHAT?!
Here's my first action: I jumped in my plastic green chair in the restaurant, nearly knocked the table over and screamed, "WHAT?!" I got many strange glances when I did so. I didn't care. This was BIG news. Like HUGE. If I could make the font big to get you to understand, I would.
Anyway, I continued asking WTF about this for 2 days. Meaning, yesterday and the day before. Also, as we sat at the table, I thought I saw an obese baby in a stroller and this amused me. It turns out, it was a disabled midget. X.X
Go figure.
So, I felt seriously bad. Midgets are cool, I just couldn't tell. I mean, 1) it was crowded, 2) we were far away 3) the chair was blocked by people. Come one, you would have done the same thing if you were me!
Okay, maybe not...
Then we got back in and I was amused by her macbook. It confuses me. A shitload.
Ihav a lousy vaio, but it works nicely and has a bigger and BETTER screen than a macbook so :P
Yeah...so we wanted to watch a movie, but there wasn't on demand at her rented house, which sucked. And we couldn't find any good bootleg, either. Plus, the internet sucked.
So we watched some Family Guy.
hahah
That was fun. Say for the fact that it paused every 5 or 10 minutes...or every 30 seconds (to mars). YOU WERE THINKING IT TOO!!! Don't lie.
Ugh. Still must pee.
Anyway, we watched Jeepers Creepers on TV.
We couldn't figure out who the guy was, but we finally figured it out.
First we thought it was Dr. D from Scrubs, but we were off.
The guy is Justin Long from Accepted.
I swear, they look alike.
Anyway, that was our night, basically.
Then I woke up late and read that.
OOOOH
It stormed really badly.
I heard the whole story from my da.
So, at around 8 AM yesterday morning, it was really sunny and hot out. According to my da, "it felt like the sun was pelting me with heat."
Then, the wind picked up and it started to get kinda dark.
He was like wtf? Then, my ma came out and was like, "Boy it's cold out here." or something to that extent.
Hm..
I need to pause my story and do something.
See, earlier today (12 AM) Caitlin asked if she could go on my myspace, and I told her sure. So, now I need to change the password.
Since I'm changing it, my password was 12havok21.
Now I need to change that.
Jeebus.
Now that that's done, I need to look something up.
Can't tell ya what until I get to that part of my day.
Sucks for you, right?
Now I bet you're skipping through this until you get to it.
It's not that great, anyway.
TRUST ME.
Found my answer.
Back to the story.
So, then they look behind the house and see this bulging blaqk cloud and it starts to pour.
Then it stops and is completely sunny in the next 10-15 minutes.
So, they go to the beach.
This is the part I'm awake for, although don't notice due to my AFiPod.
So, the police were in the streets on the board walk calling people off the beaches. My parents are confused, but stand on the board walk waiting for the storm to pass. But no, the police call them off their, too. Now they're really confused.
Next thing ya know, this massive amount of wind comes out of nowhere and hail is flying about! No joke!
But, sadly, nothing was destroyed. Pity.
But the winds were almost enough for a tornado and that would have majorly sucked balls.
Beezlebub is a fun word.
Thought I'd put that out there.
So, for dinner we went to a seafood place and I ate bread and salad. Yum. Blegh.
Nothing veg. there.
Sadly.
I hate my family's table manners. It's disgusting. The conversations that go on! You'd think I was the sane one!
FOR SERIOUS.
But, the power almost went out as we ate.
And that Annie Lennox song that's always on. The...oh fuck. What was it?
Uhm..
No, not Cyndi Lauper. GET OUT OF MY HEAD CYNDI.
Uhm...shit...*looks up*
Okay....it wasn't by here. WHO THE HELL WAS IT BY????
It had around the world and something seven seas...
this is ticking me off...
Okay, so having It's Raining Men in your head DOES NOT HELP!
Ugh. Looks like I'm asking my da later today..
-_-
OWWW MY EYE.
So, earlier today I was reading Under The Rose, the Despair Faction zine, except it was on the computer because they were kind and posted it on the computer for all of us late bloomers.
hahah I crack myself up.
Anyway, I was reading it and several times I questioned Davey's cexuality.
So, that's what I had to look up. And it was finally answered, and sort of, put to rest.
I know, that's not right.
I should have it put to rest...but skeptics.
And no, I can't tell you any zine quotes because I cannot share.
Mwahahhahaha
Anyway, this is the answer...
"Sorry To Burst Your Bubble... but Davey is not gay. Or bi. Get over it. Just because your friend heard he was gay or you read it on some message board doesn't make it so. However, since I've made posts like this repeatedly over the years and people still refuse to believe he's not gay, I guess we'll have to keep hearing about it ad infinitum." -Jade Puget
Kinda disappointing because I adore gay guys.
Ihav a gay friend.
He's pretty spiffy.
Oh Jeebus, I said spiffy.
Someone slap me. Please.
YESSS.
I love my friend Kylle now.
She knows the song.
Hm...
SO IT WAS ANNIE LENNOX.
Okay..hahahha Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of These) is the song.
I feel accomplished now.
So, now I need a new myspace tracker site because apparently I live in Texas...
which I don't.
So I need to fix that...
WAHAHAHAH Manson did a version of this song.
THIS Ihav GOT to hear...
This is kinda interesting...
I sorta like Manson's version..I like the original though, it's more fast paced...
Eurythmics did a version of this, too.
I need to get all of these on my AFiPod.
Okay, new mission. Burn CD's.
wait..I need to do that thingy first...
myspace tracker.
damn it. I just installed one...and it lied.
why are two songs playing??
oooh hahahha Ihav Fallen Like The Sky by AFI on there with Don't Stop by Innerpartysystem on there...bahahhaha weird combo.
So, go look up Don't Stop by Innerpartysystem if you like electro, electronic-y music. They're good.
YESSS I found the tracking site.
This is good.
Hm..Ugh fucking pop-ups.
POP UP BLOCKERS ARE A LIE.
They don't protect you from pop-ups, I swear.
I don't think this website understands that I want a dark blue tracker, not a magenta.
Okay, I downloaded all 3 versions off of limewire.
I need to pimp my AFiPod with some good music before I go to Virginia.
OH NOES.
That's right.
I won't be on the computer.
For a week.
Yeah.
That's why I'm making this.
So you don't forget me over the damn week.
Ugh. I'm going out of boredom. I swear.
I don't know why I agreed to it.
But I swear, I'm going to be checking Jade Puget's blog everyday to see if he posts anything because that will keep me alive...so will my AFiPod.
This girl I'm about to go stay with *shudder*.
Fur wearing, Abercrobie and Bith loving, hand bag carrying, annoying little slutty pink EW.
It's not good.
And she's scared of PANIC! AT THE DISCO.
I mean...they're not even remotely scary
I get it if it's someone like Manson, but he doesn't scare me..so... But still!
It's ridiculous!
And I swear she doesn't even like me!
Ugh. I mean, yeah, we've been texting and I can make her laugh because I'm naturally an idiot when I text, but come on!
She needs to expand her horizons.
I was born in the wrong time.
I love 80's music.
WRONG TIME.
Great... now I'm totally going to be obsessed with this song.
Now to make the AFiTunes playlist that needs to be burned and then put on the other computer for my AFiPod.
Hahhaha I almost started to burn it without Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of These) on there. That would have been tragic.
Shit man. I still haven't peed and it's been 2 hours...
Tripp pants have horrible zippers.
Every pair by that brand Ihav, the zipper doesn't stay up.
Same thing with my friend.
This is annoying.
Hahhah There's an Alternitivo genre on iTunes.
This is funny.
Okay, so now I need to pick from The Pink Spiders' songs to figure out which ones I actually want on my AFiPod because all of this is going to take up a TON of space...
OOOH You know what pisses me off?
I really like The Pink Spiders' song All The Cool Girls Are Dead, but I can only find forty second clips on limewire and it's not fair!
DAMN IT.
RHAPSODAY DOESN'T EVEN HAVE IT!
Grr.
Ihav all their songs...but THAT one.
-_-
AHHAHAHAHAHA The beginning of Cyndi Lauper's Raging Storm sounds like...oh...what was it's name? Idk, but it was this realllyyyy weird thing my friend and and I found on her computer and it was ridiculous like...elevator music. It was hilarious because she was burning me some cd's and we found it. It was amazing. I wonder if I still have that cd...
Bubblegum Love was one of the songs. Don't know why I remember that.
Idk but it was for this DJ that doesn't exist. It was pretty sweet. Not really.
Okay, I don't want this song on my AFiPod.
I think Cyndi is trying to bring disco back...

I'M PARANOID.
I keep seeing my door open, but it really doesn't.
Must be my insomnia playing tricks on me...again.
Oh, and remember how I mentioned Innerpartysystem? I just figured out how to make little player doorhickies. Here's Don't Stop.

So, I'm feeling pretty good that I figured that out now. It was annoying me because I was like, "OKAY YOU HAVE TO HEAR IT." haha
Rihanna!
Okay, so I'm going to burn that now...
Yay!
Done with that...
DUUUDE I've been on this blog for 3 hours!
This is INSANE.
Oh well, nothing better to do.
I was reading this book called Glass House just now. It's eh. Something to read until I get Chosen by P.C. Cast. Which reminds me...why am I up?
I need to get up early today to buy it.
Well, I could just stay awake all day...
nah.
That kills me.
I'm going to sleep after I pee.
YEAH.
You heard me.
I haven't gone yet!
3 hours!
BEAT THAT.
It's not fun, but it is necessary to write this.
Hm...I'm going to go away now.
But only so I can post a blog about why I hate Twilight.
Bie bie.

C&S

Okay, I lied. I'm back.
I'm on a hunt for a new myspace layout since mine doesn't feature my blog.
XD
It's annoying.
I used to get a ton of views, but now Ihav a flash profile and the views just...stopped.
It's depressing.
So, now I need a new one.
I was looking up AFI wallpaper on google...and this is what I found...

Ironic?
I think so.
I'm still wearing the smirk I had when I found it. I'm debating whether or not to use it, but I'm going to go against it..since he's not gay. *tears*
HAHAHHA Whoever made this doesn't like Davey and Hunter....

YAY.
So, I found this really awesome background and now I'm all done.
So, now I'm saying goodbye.
DUDE 4 hours!
hahahha

C&S

Insomniac's Journal (Part 1)

2008-08-09T01:06:00.000-07:00

It's 3:05 AM at the moment I'm writing this line.
It will not be this time when I finish.
Obviously, I can't type that fast.
Yesterday was rather boring.
I woke up at 2.
I wonder what's up with Oatsie.
Inside joke, you won't get it.
Yes, you.
I digress.
So, after 2, I took a shower, and went out with my mother. We wanted to get breakfast, like, a normal one, but I ended up getting just a bagel. Nerd boy spent 50-60$ on the arcade.
I'm getting paid 67$ for babysitting.
Why am I telling you any of this?
Not like you care.
So, Tori and I continued our AFI vampire fic.
It's going slow because I don't have a plot.
We just write because.
I finished a shit load of vitamin water in the past 24 hours.
On myspace, since I still want to buy AFI on OYF, I did a shit load of surveys.
That reminds me of the long survey I did on facebook.
I put a lot of AFI into that.
*sigh* My mind is wandering. I want to take a survey.
Answer questions.
Let's find one on myspace... yay! I found one!

Does your profile song have any special meaning?
I forget the song. Wait, no. I like it and found it on Logo.

Midnight, who are you texting?
Kylle? Victoria? I think?

What are you most worried about?
not getting up in the morning.
freaking my friend out.
going to virginia for a week with a girl I despise, but wanted to go out of boredom.

How different are you from three years ago?
3 years ago? *laughs* who was I three years ago?

Do you like your life at the moment?
it needs something better to it.
very bland.

Are you currently frustrated with someone?
not really. just bored.

Do you have a friend that starts with the letter A?
lots. a ton of alyssa's.

Is anything alive in your room?
probably some insect I'm not seeing. and me.

What's the last piercing you got?
uhm...ear? a few years ago?

Do you have trust issues?
I didn't. but then she happened. now I do.

Do you have a best friend?
i guess.

Ever been to Alaska?
I want to go.

Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
i was forced apart. not my fault.

In the past week have you gotten your hair cut?
cut? no. dyed? yes.

How long is your hair?
Jade Puget short

Ever have surgery?
I think when I was born?

Are your eyes the same color as your mom's or dad's?
I'm the odd one out in the 'family'.
I'm the only one with hazel eyes that go from green to brown for no reason.

Do you smile a lot?
not really.
depends who I'm with.

Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
hahahahah my da. i missed it on purpose.

Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday?
never.

Have you ever crawled through a window?
I jumped out of one, does that count?

Have you ever dyed your hair?
blonde, blonde, blonde, blue.

Are you wearing a necklace?
3. skull & cross bones, heart locked, peace sign. as in the circle with lines, not 2 fingers.

Will this weekend be a good one?
no. boring as hell.

Look behind you, what do you see?
I don't need to look. I will see pulled curtains over a kitchen window.

Does anyone know your MySpace password?
nope.

Okay, time for another.
that wasn't hard to find another.
OOOH I love this song.
Don't know the words.
Let's look it up... okay, so either it's french or it's just random sylables...weird.
i like it.
back to the thingy..

how many people have you kissed in the past 6 months?
2.
ex gf, current gf

where will you be 12 hours from now?
in bed or with my friend

What is the last movie you watched?
something off of fear net...no clue what it was called.
had vampires.
didn't watch it.

what's your favorite season?
winter or fall

did you have a dream last night?
I did, but it was weird. It took place within an hour.

has anyone ever broken your heart?
two.
I don't talk to one much. He's just...weird?
The other I feel awkward as fuck around.
I take that back, both I feel awkward as fuck around.

is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
look above

do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow?
no.

Are you home?
no.

is it easy for people to make you smile?
i guess?

have you ever kissed someone whos name starts with a M?
OMH HOW DID YOU KNOW?! no, I haven't.

can you make yourself cry?
idk. let me check. nvm, too tired.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
yeah. i'd go back to the Blaqk Audio concert, and punch people out of my way.

do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
I think I do...

what is your current place of employment?
Should I have one?

are you taller than 5 foot?
not sure. don't have a ruler.

is your current hair color your natural hair color?
uhnm..half-ish is. the other 1/4 is blonde, the other 1/4 is blue.

has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it?
yes.

do you find members of the opposite sex confusing?
not really.

how has the week been?
boring. interesting. i don't recall.

what does your best friend call you?
Ryan.

how many people would you say you've been "serious" with?
one.

would you prefer a thunderstorm or for it to be snowing?
you just asked me a very hard question.
i love the snow.
i adore thunderstorms.
can Ihav a thunderstorm and then have it change to snow?

laptop or desktop?
laptop.

what company is your cellphone provider?
at&t

have you ever kissed just a friend?
yeah. *shudder* never again.

what were you doing 4 hours ago?
sitting on the computer

where did you go to yesterday?
here.

in school, how was/is your attendance record?
I was absent 1 time.
the year before 0 times.

do/did you listen to your parents?
almost never.

are you good at keeping secrets?
sure.

in school, did/do you participate in gym class?
HAH no. I got a B though....

would you rather spend or save your money?
save it, but spend it on good things *cough AFI merch cough*

are puddles the best part about rain?
I hate those things.
rain is the best part about rain, dumbass.

do you have curtains in your room?
that reminds me...I need blinds...

do you like Juicy Fruit gum?
haven't had it in forever. i guess

are crayons better than colored pencils?
pfft, no.
markers.

Who was the last friend you stopped talking to and why?
lauren.
the convo just ended.

What colors are you wearing right now?
gay pride belt = rainbow

if you had to fast-forward time right now, when would you go to?
to when AFI's Havok damned EP comes out.

tired of reading these?
I'm not.

Has anyone seen you in your underwear, other than your mom?
heheheh yes

Are you stubborn?
hella yeah

What is one emotion you are feeling right now?
what's the word for when you're tired, but you're awake and you're just floating there?

What are you currently doing?
listening to music, sitting, typing.

Do you miss anybody?
yes.
my gf.
I won't see her for over a week and it's depressing.
I haven't seen her in the longest time and I feel really bad.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
yes. His name is Davey Havok.

Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
not really.

Can you spell good?
It's really well you fucktard.

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now?
Yes. Many.
AFI
my gf
my biffie (Jeebus) Tori

When is the last time you saw a movie in theaters?
Dark Knight. not sure the date

How has this week been?
boring as....reading the encyclopedia.
I want hot chocolate...

Do you have a best friend?
surely.

What do you want most right now?
food. hot chocolate. sleep.

Is your myspace profile private?
it shouldn't be, but it is.
must. fix.
won't let me
-_-
but I now have myspace U.K.
hahah

What do you carry with you at all times?
phone. AFiPod

What person do you trust the most?
Tori. and Victoria. not sure why Victoria...
we have an AFI connection going

Are you a morning person or a night person?
night. I would gladly switch from living during the day to night.

Do you remember your dreams?
some of them. if I tell them to people right away

What will you name your son?
If Ihav kids, this applies to the question below, they will be Jabez, Adam, Jade, Davey, Hunter, Smith and Fritch.

What will you name your daughter?

Ever kissed Number 5 on your top?
uhm...since that's a band, no.

Does anything hurt on your body?
my neck and eyes.

Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
I say that they were adopted.

Does anyone love you?
ask the people that know me.

Have you ever lost anybody close to you?
no. luckily

Are you afraid of falling in love?
can't help if you do.

Who was the last person you said "i love you" too?
Shayna

Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
yes, but they didn't mean it.
not really.
because no one ever does.

and another...

Does your myspace password have to do with a boy?
does Davey Havok count?

Are you a girly girl?
People call me Ryan for a reason.

small or big purses?
it's an AFI backpack...medium these days. hahha
my cousin has the 'abyss' for a purse.

Do you sleep in your bra?
yes.
you're a pervert

Do you enjoy drama?
no.
my friends get in it, and I laugh.

Do you think you’re conceited?
nope.

Did you dress up on Halloween?
Samhein? hella yeah!

Do you call anybody by their last name?
finch.
uhm...finch.
no, pinto.
that's it. i think.

Do you wear makeup?
just eyeliner.
I'm a dude/girl, remember?

Have you ever been called a bad influence?
bahahhahhha
want me to count the times?

Eyeliner or Mascara?
eyeliner.
mascara is pointless

American Eagle or Hollister?
or.
BURN THEM

Heels or flats?
like...flat shoes, or flat pretty girly shoes?
I stick with my vans and cons.

Skirts or jeans?
jeans, skinny jeans.
jeebus, I'm not a girly girl here!

Socks or leggings?
SOCKS. BIG LONG KNEE SOCKS.
ahhahah

Heels or sneakers?
sneakers.
hands down.

Straight or curly hair?
straight.

Hoops or dangling earrings?
neither.
can't wear em.

Do you prefer light or dark haired guys?
dark hair, unless it's white blonde.
love white blonde.

Have you ever thought of having plastic surgery?
no.

Do you like your life?
boring.

Ever walked into the guy's bathroom?
thought about it.
but i don't have to.
the films have done it for me.

Have you ever slapped a boy in the face?
if you mean in the family, yes.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
a lot.
not anymore.
i usually get over it before i sleep, though

Have you ever not been able to get someone off of your mind?
no. Ihav ADD in my head...

Do you ever wish you were famous?
famous would be fun.

IN A BOY:

cowboy or gangster?
how about neither?

Preppy or Punk/Goth?
punk or goth.
i like the gothic dress.

Well-educated or Dropout?
educated so we could have weird convos

Contacts or Glasses?
contacts, unless the glasses looked cute.

Funny or Serious?
i need a mix here

Romantic or Daredevil?
how about a romantic daredevil?
a romantic dinner while sky diving?

Cute or Hot?
what is this hot?
we don't need him burning up.
adorable.

Long or short hair?
if it looks good on him, idc.

Smoker or non-smoker?
EW HAVOK NO.
sXe
MUST BE
okay, I bet you want to shoot me.
*rummages around for hot chocolate*
HOLY HAVOK WE ACTUALLY have some!!!
ANNNND with mini marshmallows!
HELLA YEAH
*makes*
so, we don't have mugs....we have this funky glass that's used for coffee....
weird..
so, Ihav 6 mosquito bites on one leg, and one on the other.
it's annoying.
I'm trying to figure out if I should microwave that or not...
I'm going to...
we had dumplings in the microwave... O.o

they smell yummy, but idk if they have chicken or pork in them or not...
ewww it was shrimp. i didn't eat it, though...
I'm thinking the hot chocolate is going to taste bad considering the water here tastes bad.
I'm going to use soy milk when this tastes like shit.
OW OW OW OW OW.
WAYYYYYYYYYY TOO HOT
I JUST BURNT THE SHIT OUT OF MY TONGUE!!
I've been writing this blog for over an hour now.
I hope you enjoy this.
Wow. It doesn't taste bad. I think I'm going to make a second when I finish this.
*pulls book from backpack*
I'm reading Betrayed by P.C. Cast. I guess it's a good book. It reminds me a lot of Tori.
I feel so great, I'm drinking hot chocolate from a straw...and it's a yellow bendy at that.
So, all the little marshmallows just up and melted on me.
That's kinda depressing.
hahahaha poor Zoey. Heath just came over to her. *book characters*
well, I just finished my hot chocolate.
I'm going to pick out the marshmallows so I don't loose them. I wonder if we have any...
HOLY HAVOK WE HAVE THEM!!!!

Okay, so if you ever decide to make hot chocolate with soy milk, I highly recommend using two packets of mix, because microwaved soy milk doesn't taste good. And if you're into the thinner drinks, I recommend half water anf half soy milk, or just use water.
Urgh. The shmellows won't open. -_-
Now I need to go find some scizzors.
EWW. The first shemellow I bit into crunched...but the rest didn't.
Do shmellows go bad?
Oh Jeebus, these went bad back on Sept. 11 '06!
*throws out*
That's sooo weird. They tasted fine to me...
Oh well. Don't want to get sick. And at least they give you the little fake freeze dried ones in the Swiss Miss thing.
What are those things made of?
I know the normal ones are like..gelatin or something..
Huh..
http://recipes.howstuffworks.com/question128.htm - marshmallow info.
They're candy? Weird.
Aha! Marshmallow - 1: a pink-flowered European perennial herb (Althaea officinalis) of the mallow family that is naturalized in the eastern U.S. and has a mucilaginous root sometimes used in confectionery and in medicine; 2: a confection made from the root of the marshmallow or from corn syrup, sugar, albumen, and gelatin beaten to a light spongy consistency.
I never knew that. Well, maybe the old saying is true.
Well, since this is going nowhere and Ihav nothing left to do, I'm leaving you all.
Guten morgen.

C&S

Waffles

2008-08-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

So, today I woke up at 4:30 PM because I went to sleep at 6AM for two days in a row.
And I didn't register hunger until later.
But, I wanted to get the mail.
So, I passed through the kitchen to the garage. In the kitchen were pancakes. This is when I registered hunger. I wanted waffles.
So, I got the mail, which held my AFI backpack. I was completely ecstatic that I got it early. Finally!
It spent like...4 days in the cheese state.
So, I decided to make waffles. This is how they turned out...
The one on the left is pitiful. It didn't taste that way, though. The one on the right got all wet, so I put it back in the waffle maker, and it decided to get charred. Poor thing.
NEVER TRUST ME WITH FOOD....EVER

Woman With Dog Collar??

2008-08-02T17:57:00.001-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/bradford/7204543.stm

just...just well.. it's all in there...
*face-palm*

C&S

PS: People these days....*sigh*

Used Condoms???

2008-08-02T17:56:00.000-07:00

Hm
There's something.
haha.
My friend and I were talking when we happened upon used condoms.
Well, they're pretty nasty if you ask me. I mean, they're filled with sperm and then get tossed aside. OOOH. Sometimes they end up in the ocean, which isn't good for the environment.
First- the water gets full of human sperm. What if a someone was swimming and a used one with sperm floated by and they got pregnant?
Second- it's not a pretty sight. What if a little kid thought it was a balloon? Not a pretty sight either.
Third- It can kill animals. The plastic shape could look like a jelly fish to the creatures that eat them. Especially if you're in an area with sea turtles. They eat jelly fish. So, eating that is going to get caught in their throat and clog the oesophagus. The animals will die.
DO NOT THROW USED CONDOMS IN THE OCEAN.

Next, people should actually use them. Actually, people should use two layers, coloured. Blue and pink. Blue first, then pink. Because, if the pink breaks and all you see is blue, you know you're safe. I learned that little trick from the book Snuff. GO BUY THAT SHIT! Yeah, but wearing condoms is good. As long as you don't break through [i]both[/i] condoms....then you're fucked. AHHAHAHHA. Yeah, so, condom=good. Pregnant=not good. Unless that's what you were going for.

But, don't leave used condoms in the street or in the grass or out in the open. Once again, little kids could pick them up and yeah.. And they seriously aren't pretty to see, especially if jizz (haha) is coming out. But, the rain water can sweep them into storm drains, and they go to the oceans. And back to the ocean thingy.
THROW USED CONDOMS IN THE GARBAGE

Yeah, that's about it.
hahaha

C&S

gah the world suxx

2007-08-31T18:18:00.000-07:00

I hate when I'm in a serious mood and then I get distracted by an airplane and I lose my thought. I hate how horrible this world can be. I hate how people hate gays because " it doesn't work that way". People are ridiculous. No I'm not gay. But I believe that they are human too. That they should be able to do what they want. That they can get married in any chapel they want. They can't help who they love. Love is love. Homophobes should go die in a hole. I hate how you think someone is your best friend and then just completely screw you over. Get over yourself. It's pathetic. If I'm mad at you i will flat out tell you. It's also childish to "like making people mad because it's fun." It's not fun. It's pathetic and rude. I hate how we are in war for peace. I doesn't make any sense. I don't under stand war one bit. And I hate George W. Bush. He hasn't done anything good for this country. I hate how billions of animals die a year, just to satisfy our hunger. Think about it. They go through so much pain and suffering. They are born just to have their throats slit. It's horrible. Also, if we stoped breeding so many animals to be killed to satisfy our slight crave of food, we could feed hundreds and thousands of starving people in Africa with the grain. I hate people who are racist. Just like homophobes. They hate people just because of something they believe in. It's stupid. If you don't agree with their beliefs fine. But it's no reason to hate them. Like saying something like "I don't like her she believes in God." or " he's Jewish, I don't like him." I think its rather stupid. It makes me so mad that people can't respect others because of what they are or how they are. I hate how people turn silly rumors into something huge. People these days are so gullible. I hate how judgemental. "He wears tight clothes and wears makeup he must be a fag." or "She isn't a virgin she must be a slut." People are stupid. I hate when people point out flaws. I think people already know what they look like. You don't need to tell them whats wrong with their body to degrade them as a person. I was just passing a gas station and a guy from South Carolina got out of his car to pump gas. Idiot. We don't pump our own gas in Jersey. haha. Anyway. I hate when people say they are different and an individual when they look the same as everyone else. I mean, what happened to originality? I hate when people don't stick up for what they believe in. Like for instance. I love God. I won't deny it. I also hate when people do things they say they wont and just make themselves hypocrites. I hate when people have no respect for anyone. It's rude, trashy, and one way to get someone to hate you. I hate when people abuse the words "I love you." It's like it doesn't mean anything to anyone anymore. I hate allot of things. I'm human though. I live, I die. I laugh, I cry. I hate, I love. I try to have the most positive attitude towards any situation. I'm a young girl with allot of thoughts and opinions. I want to change the world for the better. And attempt to take all the hate and cruelty out of it. Although that's probably nearly impossible. If anyone actually cares, and realizes what a hell this world is, they would put all the hate aside no matter race, gender, sexual preference, beliefs, culture, and religion and help. Not judge and hate each other.